Monday Madness: A Shotgun Start to Toilet Training?

Tonight after a long day at work, I was driving home and realized that it was Monday and I hadn’t prepped anything for dinner.  Time escaped me and after packing my lunch and the kids’ diaper bag this morning, I suppose my brain decided that must have been everything I needed to do.  Hubby was working late and I would soon have hungry “baby birds” to feed.  I picked up 2 year old Miss M and 1 year old Mr. C with the goal in mind of picking up a deli chicken and a few other items from the grocery store.  I pulled into a parking spot next to the cart corral, grabbed a Lysol wipe from one of my car’s cup holders, got out, disinfected a shopping cart then loaded both babes into the freshly disinfected cart.  As we cruised into the grocery store, Miss M wrapped her arms around her little brother to give him a hug…which gradually turned into an unintentional choke hold that I had to break as he coughed and gasped for air multiple times as we wandered the grocery store.  We picked up a deli chicken.  Miss M knows what a chicken says but does not yet enunciate “Bawk! Bawk!” correctly so she sat in the cart for the duration of our shopping trip flapping her “wings” while screaming “Cock! Cock!”  You’re welcome fellow shoppers.  It’s Monday.  You needed that smile.  We picked up some homo milk because even though Hubby just ran out and bought 8 litres of it on the weekend, we are down to one bag, as well as some produce and toothpaste.  While I chatted with the babes asking them what they wanted to eat with the chicken, Miss M kept shouting “Coo! Coo!”  I didn’t know what it meant and thought she was a little young to be noticing just how cuckoo I am until I realized that the last time we had bought a deli chicken, we ate couscous with it and she remembered!  Amazing!  That was probably a month ago!  I picked up some couscous.  Great idea, little one.

I pulled into the driveway and made 3 trips to the door before unloading the kids.  First, my purse and laptop bag while opening the door.  Then, the diaper bag.  Then I popped the trunk as two little faces chanted “Mommy! Mommy!” from the car seats inside the back seat.  I brought in the groceries along with the case of diapers I had picked up at lunch then ran back out and unloaded Miss M.  We have a great routine where I unload her first and wrap her blanket around my neck like a boa and then she walks with me to the other side of the car to unload Mr. C.  When I get him unbuckled, I say “Okay!  Go to the door!” and she runs up the driveway to the front door of the house.  Today she took off on me.  Luckily she went towards the backyard and not the road.  We need a fence, stat.  With Mr. C in tow, I followed her into the backyard where she immediately started playing with her toys.  I tried to get her to come out front and inside the house but she wouldn’t.  Crap.  We were in the backyard.  The back door was locked.  The front door was wide open with my keys in the lock and my purse, laptop, etc. still sitting on the front step.  Ugh.  I quickly took advantage of her being preoccupied with throwing all of the sand out of her sand table and ran around to the front of the house with Mr. C still bouncing away on my hip.  I scooped up my laptop and purse, pulled the keys out of the front door, ran inside the house, shut and locked the front door and ran to the back door to make sure Miss M was still playing.  She was.  I quickly grabbed the milk and threw it in the fridge on the way out into the backyard.  I opened the door just in time to catch a flash of Miss M making her getaway to the front yard.  I quickly yelled her name as I chased after her.  She immediately turned around and yelled “Mommy!” and came running towards me.  I don’t think she was actually trying to escape.  I think she had just realized she was alone for approximately 35 seconds and was running out to where she thought I was.  Again, we really need to install a fence. Ugh.

I brought both kids inside and put them in their seats.  It took some time since Miss M has a new obsession with buckling the safety belts on her booster seat and Mr. C’s high chair so I had to unbuckle each of the seats with a kid in my arm in order to seat them.  I served them their dinner and started to read the book Miss M had handed to me to read.  It was the Potty Time book my sister had bought her for Easter.  I must say, this book was the weirdest reading material I have read during a meal.  To paraphrase, “The little girls are all grown up with their fancy undies and shiny potties.  They sit on the potty and poo and pee…”  Miss M loves the word “poo” so would shout it each time I read it while Mr. C clapped.  What an awkward dinner book.

After the kids ate, I stripped their food-covered clothes off while still in the kitchen and brought them upstairs to where I had run a bath.  Both babes were exhausted so I scrubbed them down, brushed their teeth and shampooed their hair as quick as possible.  Miss M screamed because she wanted out of the tub.  I lifted her out, toweled her off and set her free to run into her room where she quickly picked up the ipad and loaded an episode of Dora the Explorer.  She is two years old and knows how to work an ipad.  Scary.  As she watched her show, I dried off Mr. C and brought him to his room as he screamed…half because he was tired and half because he is teething.  I laid him down on the change table and started to diaper and dress him as Miss ran into the room completely naked, holding the ipad, with her eyes watering as she cried “Wahhhhh!” as her knees buckled.  “What’s wrong?” I asked her.  Poooooooo! she cried.  “Do you have to go poopy?” I asked.  “Poopy” she whimpered.  “Go sit on your potty! Go sit on your potty!”  I said enthusiastically.  Miss M has been practicing sitting on her potty for months.  She just stood there, knees buckled, whimpering because she had to poop but wasn’t wearing a diaper and didn’t know what to do.  I saw an opportunity and went for it.  I put Mr C on the floor with his pants barely on so I could scoop her up and put her on her potty before it was too late.  As I picked her up, a big log of poop fell to the floor.  I paused for a millisecond then kept running.  Now was my chance to show her how to use the potty!   We ran into the bathroom where I forgot that she had disassembled her potty after her bath.  It is like a miniature toilet and while she is very particular about everything (buckles done up on booster seats, doors closed, etc.), I took a chance and sat her down.  She pooped a little bit before freaking out because her little toilet was not assembled.  She stood up and picked up the seat wanting me to put it together.  As she did I heard the “thud! thud! thud!” of Mr. C crawling across his bedroom floor.  THE POOP!!!  I threw Miss M’s “toilet seat” on the floor and ran out as she cried to grab Mr. C before he touched the log of poop she had left on the floor 45 seconds ago.

It was like a slow motion running scene from a movie “Noooooooooooooo!”  I literally scooped him up just before he reached out to pick up the poop he was sitting right in front of.  Phewwf.  With Mr. C in my arms screaming because I wouldn’t let him play with poop and Miss M still screaming from the bathroom because her toilet was still in pieces, I grabbed a bunch of wipes, scooped up the log of poop, wiped the floor, threw it in the toilet, flushed, put Miss M’s potty seat back on her potty, sat her down as she clapped and yelled “Yay! Poopy!” as she pooped a little more into her potty.  Victory…. I think?  As she pooped, Mr. C stood up holding onto the back of her potty shaking it furiously while screaming because HE wanted to sit on the potty.  Miss M got up and ran out of the bathroom with poop stuck to her leg.  I chased her to wipe her clean.  As I did, Mr. C stuck his hand into the potty and I turned around to see him sitting there with a big grin on his face staring at his hand, with extended fingers, covered in poop.  What does every teething baby do?  Put everything they see or touch in his mouth?  YES!  Without wasting a second, I leaped down the hallway and picked him up.  I held him over the sink scrubbing his hands clean as he screamed something that I can only imagine to have meant “Geez Mom.  You never let me have any fun!”  I put him down only to notice that the toilet was still running.  Of course it was.  It was still running because it is a million years old and I had just flushed a log of poop wrapped around a wad of wipes.  Ahhh!  I picked Mr. C up and carried him into his sister’s room where she was watching an episode of Dora on the ipad.  I ran back into the bathroom slammed the door and started plunging that bad boy.  I cleared it, scooped my gross wad out of the toilet, threw it in a bag, washed my hands and arms, finally pulled up Mr. C’s pants from half-dressing him forever ago, read him a story, put him to bed, read Miss M a story, put her to bed, took the poop outside, cleaned the potty then cracked a beer and sat down to write this before tackling the disgustingly food-covered kitchen because it’s a story worth sharing.

I’ve always loved writing.  Until I became a mom, I never knew just how many stories I would write about poop.  Poopity poopity poop.  I also didn’t realize that I would develop an iron stomach that allows me to do all that, then write about all that and then think, “I haven’t eaten dinner yet.  I’m hungry!”

 

andbabymakes3imean4 is one mom’s adventures while tap-dancing on the brink of insanity with 2 babies, 11 months apart.  Thank you for reading this post!  If you liked it (even just a little)  subscribe to my blog or like my page on facebook to be the first to know of future posts.  Peace. Love and Lysol Wipes. xo

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